终于忍不住看了色戒。出影院门的时候竟然喘不过气来，拿友人的话来说就是只想抽烟喝酒。洗澡的时候竟然在浴室里哭起来，不为自己，不为任何人。只是一种行为上的宣泄。太多的麻痹和漠然，出自无奈，出自被迫。瞬间的感触，换得的是得或失 ，又岂在对与错之间可以判断的呢？

Salute!

To my two months' anniversary

To the courage

To the hard times when tears in the heart but not eyes

 

I salute to the beautiufl memories 5 mins ago, and now it's Sept 4th, 2007, two months 1 day...

 

 

 

 

You're the colour,
you're the movement and the spin. (Never)
Could it stay with me the whole day long?
Fail with consequence, lose with eloquence
and smile.
I'm not in this movie
I'm not in this song.
Never
Leave me paralyzed, love.
Leave me hypnotized, love.

You're the colour,
you're the movement and the spin. (Never)
Could it stay with me the whole day long?
Fail with consequence, lose with eloquence
and smile.
You're not in this movie
You're not in this song.
Never

Leave me paralyzed, love.
Leave me hypnotized, love.
Leave me paralyzed, love.
Leave me hypnotized, love. 
 

August 8th, 2007...00.23am

 

It has been a month now. During the past one month, people keep asking me whether I am OK.  Every time, I always smile at them and say 'I am fine.'

 

If you have happened to watch the movie 'Elizaberthtown', it might remind you of what Drew tell people when he was screwed in the business and when his father died--I am fine.  Drew's fine is not real fine in the movie, it's just a way of ending furhter troublesome conversations. 

 

My 'fine' is not real fine either.

 

A warning sign,
I missed the good part then I realized,
I started looking and the bubble burst.
I started looking for excuses.

Come on in,
I've gotta tell you what a state I'm in,
I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones,
That I started looking for a warning sign.

When the truth is,
I miss you.
Yeah the truth is,
That I miss you so.

A warning sign,
You came back to haunt me and I realized,
That you were an island and I passed you by,
You were an island to discover.

Come on in,
I've gotta tell you what state I'm in,
I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones,
That I started looking for a warning sign.

When the truth is,
I miss you.
Yeah the truth is,
That I miss you so.

And I'm tired,
I should not have let you go.

So I crawl back into your open arms.
Yes, I crawl back into your open arms.
And I crawl back into your open arms.
Yes, I crawl back into your open arms...

我不想写什么。写什么都是徒劳。

生活还要继续，嘴还要张着等着饭吃。

也许所谓的出路到头来还是一条死路。

 

In love relationships, there is a fine line between pleasure and pain.  In fact, it’s a common belief that a relationship without pain is a relationship not worth having.  To some, pain implies growth, but how do we know when a growing pain stops and pain pains take over.  Are we masochists or optimists if we continue to walk that fine line?  When it comes to relationships, how do we know when enough is enough? 

2007年2月3日 10.45pm

 

很久没有一个人喝酒了。

 

吃完晚饭回到家，洗澡的时候突然难过得哭了起来，突然想到谢菁blog上关于爱情的故事，突然想到自己的爱情已经开始倒计时，眼泪就流了下来。。。

 

记得上次用vodka把自己灌醉还是两年多前的事，也是为了感情，两次把自己喝到肠子都要吐出来。后来发誓再也不这样喝了。但今天同样为了感情的事，同样喝着vodka兑橙汁。。。

 

我悟出一个道理，发誓不喝酒就像发誓再也不恋爱，或是发誓再也爱不上另一个一样，到头来，忍不住的诱惑，忍不住的再醉。。。

 

谢菁要我在她的blog上添些评论，感言爱情这档子事，而我最想说的，只想说的无非是爱情，没有让人伤感，如果有，如果是倒计时的爱情，那也伤感，而结果是一样的，是种淡淡的伤，浓浓的愁

 

Bill Evans有首曲子My foolish heart，想必正好 形容我现在的心情，my foolish heart, where should you go eventually? What if the journey is long? Would you still keep ahead without regret? Even if the end of the journey is no where?

有近两个月没有在自己的博客上写些废话了，关键是没有触动神经的事宜发生。如果说再为工作上的事抱怨，那就真的成了废话了。

 

今早在电梯里偶遇楼下的邻居，我俩好几个星期没碰上，她劈头盖脑的问：你啥时结婚？本来一早没睡醒，浑浑噩噩的，竟然冷丁丁得被问起终生大事。倒是一时半会儿没想过明白来。她唠唠叨叨地说，我模模糊糊地听，听了半天，她竟然抬出我老妈的名头的来，说是我老娘急得不行了。难不成老娘现在换了战术，专门在外头散步“谣言”，派重兵驻守电梯口，专找和我同座电梯的机会，给我洗脑？ 好在我家住在6楼，好在我的耳朵早已为这个话题磨出了老茧，好在我会打哈哈，这一说没说上几个时辰。。我安全离开小区大门，安全上班

 

中午约同事打牙祭，吃着吃着他也做起了我思想工作，不好，老娘的势力可真够大的。。。

好端端的火锅吃着吃着又成了洗脑会

 

下午在办公室干活，干着干着突然想到，如果能在报纸上发个申明，告诉大家管好自己的事，别瞎操心我的终生幸福，那样该多好。

 

求求大家，给我些清静吧，我现在活得很开心，我终会成个家，生个小宝宝，但不是现在。

 

因为我还没准备好，因为我要一段真正属于我的婚姻。这不是你们的，是我自己的。。。

2006年8月8日 21:30 北京首都机场

 

各位乘客：我们抱歉地通知，由于本场天气的原因，部分航班将延误起飞。。。

 

这是第三遍的延误通知。。。离原定的起飞时间晚半小时。。。但我的飞机现在还在上海。。。

 

这是数不清的第N次晚点。。。

 

同行的同事买了一大盆黄鱼，劝我无论如何都要吃点，而我就是没有胃口，这些时间来连续的出差，奔机场，三餐不定，胃功能又出现了问题，没有胃口，吃一点东西就觉得饱。。。这些都没和家里人说，怕我妈看到我心疼，怕我妈劝我改工作，但就像我昨天对自己，对老板说的，撑，撑也要撑到最后！！！！为了不动摇自己的决心，不能让妈对我的疼爱折腾了我的决心

 

不知道有多少次想过，自己能忍受这样的生活多久；

不知道有多少次，就差那么一点，就想放弃；

不知道有多少次，睡了一觉，第二天又提着行李出发。。。

 

这究竟算是没有决心改变，还是有决心坚持？

 

同事说去买书，我一个人瞪着黄鱼半天，终于下了筷，开始咀嚼被炸得松脆，酸酸甜甜的鱼肉。。。开始越嚼越快。。。什么都没想。。。等同事回来，我已经干掉了鱼。。。

 

第四遍延误通知。。。

 

快十点。。。困。。。祈祷。。。 

 

 

 

 

黄梅天。。。湿热。。。闷

 

坐在办公桌前半小时，晕乎乎的，什么都没做，什么都不想做，什么都不能做---

男朋友今早回美国参加姐姐的婚礼，临走时说"i will miss you so badly..."我不信，连电话也没留下，我要是想他的话，找鬼去啊？到了我这个年纪，不太容易相信什么了。。。

 

昨晚小胖的一杯"cinderella"喝的我的脸像猪头，酒精的作用啊，永远这么神奇，昨晚只想睡觉，也没功夫顾影自怜，今早晕晕乎乎地送走人家，还庆幸还能睡一个小时。

 

 

上海今夜有暴雨，回家呆着去。。。明天上北京

不知道为啥，把这些废话归类的时候，想到归在"组织"一栏里。因为“组织”这个词或是东西对我来说，向来是极其神圣的事。新的办公大楼搬到了老干部活动中心，天天在电梯里看到老大爷，老奶奶正儿八经地大老远从家里赶来，谈谈琴（情），跳跳舞，煞有介事得过“组织生活”，心中总是非常羡慕。像我们这种今天干着这边的活，说不定明天就被炒鱿鱼的人，不晓得弓着腰走路的时候，还是不是找得到这样的“组织”？

 

开始做项目管理的工作了，该死的印度阿叉，不回email，也不接电话。不晓得再搞啥，害得我在这里急得团团转，项目做砸掉，永远都是项目经理的错，靠！鬼阿叉，无组织无纪律，没有一点职业精神！你要是害过一些人丢掉饭碗，巴望着这些人以后做鬼来吓死你！！！

 

新办公室，空调永远没力，北京路上的汽车声音大过我在办公室讲电话的声儿，烦！

 

好在是周末了。。。明天，要睡个大懒觉！！！

 

 

 

 

这世界变化实在太快。。。

上个周末，也就两天没上网，没看电视，没看报，没想到周一打开网页，满眼竟是印尼地震，死伤万人的消息。不由得心中一寒，顿时想到如若隔绝网络，隔绝媒介，不出两个月，恐怕与世界的距离便已不少。

昨日和Dee吃小龙虾，得出的结论是我们总是在不断地流失信息，因此，务必要借吃小龙虾之名义，相互交换些“军情”。一来保了口福，二来充实了信息库。

 

Last night, I dreamed about going back to UK.  Actually, the only thing I remembered is the crying I had when I was packing, heading for a one week Paris trip and then coming back.  There was tear in my eyes when I woke up and I felt extremely guilty.  The reason I felt guilty was coming back home seemed to be a suffer rather than a cheerful outcome. 

 

Was coming back really that bad?  Or were the days in UK that so good?  I don’t know the exact yes or no.  The only thing I know is in the previous one year, I have been thinking about the days in that small town Loughborough quite often.  When I finish a hard day’s work late in the evening, when my parents are happy about my high salary, when everybody is telling me I should find a man to marry… when I am wondering to whom I am living this life for…Yeah, when I feel tired, I will go back to that déjà vu. 

 

Waking up awkwardly with tear and depressed feeling, I suddenly saw my boyfriend sleeping peacefully like a baby beside me.  I hugged him…smiled and thought to myself.  Thanks God, there is a déjà vu so close…

My recent life

 

Well, well, well

 

So far no friend yet has asked me why I have been lazy updating my blog recently.  So that I guess everybody is busy with their own lives.  No matter good or not.

 

What happened to me in the previous several months is a simple yet complicated question.  It’s a simple question, since I am living my life as everybody else does, working, eating, having some fun sometimes, wondering, thinking… etc. etc.  However, the reason for being complicated is that something different from others did happen to me in the previous months, met my new boyfriend, knowing new friends, improving my tennis skills, becoming more professional at work, my dog got castrated (oh, my poor Sparky！God bless you), iPod etc. etc.  So busy a life I am living which leads to not enough time for me to update my blog-through which my life is displayed to the world.

 

Today I received a ‘severe’ accusation from Melon, my best ever friend, saying that we were not meeting enough time to share our happiness and thoughts together since me and her, almost at the same time, met our new boyfriends.  I’d rather take this ‘accusation’ as a nice ‘complaint’.  At least, from which, we all know that we are actually living happily right now.  So I am sorry, dear Melon, but I am also happy, for both of us.

 

However, I did feel sorrow sometimes as well, for hearing my best friend’s sad story of her former lover, for knowing that someone is not healthy etc. etc. Those sorrow parts remind me that life, true, does have dark aspects, and not necessarily happy, for reminding me that I should cherish, not matter I have in mind or in hand.

 

Indeed, my dear friends, my recent life is as happy as before, and hopefully, as happy as forever. Next time, I might drop some tears when I am updating my recent news, but I believe, when all the dark clouds have passed, you will see the sunshine again.

 

--To all my friends who are living their versatile life

and to my dear Zach

Hush~~~ Be cool and enjoy

-For you, who are bringing wonder and happiness

 

 

You said my eyes are brown

I said no no no all around

I hope this guessing game takes on and on

That gives me excuse to look at you for long

 

You said I never win the staring game

I said baby, I am afraid my eyes can talk

No matter they are black or brown

 

So hush, be cool and enjoy

Enjoy the truth

Enjoy the feeling

Enjoy the right now

 

I said I can never tell what color your eyes are

I ain’t need no definition

Green, grey what so ever

Once I close my eyes, they are just there, showing upon

 

So hush, be cool and enjoy

Enjoy the smile

Enjoy the peace

And enjoy the passion

beautiful way-by beck

 

Searchlights on the skyline
Just looking for a friend
Who’s gonna love my baby
When she’s gone around the bend
Egyptian bells are ringing
When it’s her birthday
Sweet nothin’, I’m talking about you
There’s a hurricane blowing your way
Ooh such a beautiful way
To break your heart
Ooh such a beautiful way
To break my heart
There’s someone calling your name
It’s driving you insane

You were wearing that stained raincoat
And your umbrella was a tangled mess
You were washed up on the glittering shoals
Looking for another crime to confess
You bribed yourself
Out of a place in the sun
But you had some change to spare
So you said you wanna spend it on me
And shook the blues out of your hair

Ooh such a beautiful way
To break your heart
Ooh such a beautiful way
To break my heart
There’s someone calling your name
You’re gonna miss that train

 

Here goes my words:

fading in a beautiful way

trying to catch the last train...

 

２００６年１月１７日　下午５．１４分，坐在办公室里写summary, 整个下午都是阴阴的心情。

得知周末又要出差，突然觉得整个工作很没意思，人生都很没意思，不知道忙忙碌碌的究竟为了什么，这么多个日日夜夜，独自一人提着行李箱赶飞机，赶场子。。。２００５年出差５７天。究竟为了什么呢？

昨天和朋友谈起，人生本就是一场折腾和折磨，如果无聊，失意的时候就想想那些比我们更苦的人也许会好些，聊得时候觉得自己很幸运。现在也觉得自己很幸运，但是就是提不起精神，想要一醉方休。。。

继续写我的summary…

听到beyond的情人的时候，突然又伤怀起来。。。

The name card

 

8 am…a fierce dog’s bark suddenly breaks the silence…

 

Chris, as usual as very day, struggles to reach out her hand under the blanket and try to kill the bark from her mobile phone.  Yes, that is the alarm that Chris hates every morning, though she loves dogs.  She has tried 28 times to change the alarm tone, however, due to some weird forces, she never succeeded. 

 

She looks for everywhere, blindly, with her head still under the blanket, she does not find the phone in the usual place where she puts the phone every night before going to bed.  She sticks her head out of the blanket, looks around, with the aid from a beam through the curtain, by instinct, she knows, it is NOT HER room.

 

Chris merely remembers any details from last night.  All she remembers is loud music, loud talking, sexy dancing, huge crowd, sweating, drinking, flirting.  Oh, in terms of drinking, her head is aching from the drinking of the doggie Vodka, absolutely, she is sure, that was not Absolut Vodka.  And there was a man involved, Chris only remembers how tall he is and his sexy eyes, as for others, name, occupation, whose friend etc. she totally forgets or did not know at all.

 

8.10 am…she even does not have time to explore the strange place, since there is only 20 minutes to get to the office in time.  God damn, she murmurs to herself, she promised her boss on Friday not be later again, otherwise, it will not be long for her to be fired, which means she will lose her 14^th job.

 

Her coat is on the sofa, with shoes close lying on the carpet.  She threw herself out of the bed and realized till now that her clothes are all on.  She reaches the coat, puts her right feet into the shoe, and suddenly touches something.  It is a piece of paper, with a name card stapled on it.  She reads the paper first: lock the door when you are out, keys in your right pocket, drop it into the mailbox downstairs, room number 2046, nothing happened last night, you were not able to tell me your address being drunk.  On the name card is a man’s name James Rice with a mobile phone number and an unfamiliar company number.  A scenery pops up in Chris’ mind, she remembers telling somebody that A NAME CARD IS A PROOF OF THE EXISTANCE OF A PERSON.  Chris gives a smile and realizes she has to go now.

 

She does every thing paper tells her to do or James told her to do.  And rushes to the office, beginning a boring working day with a dizzy head.  In the afternoon when she is trying to look for cousin’s phone number, she remembers her phone is in that place.  With no hesitation, she calls the number on the card, and a deep male voice answers ‘Hello’…

Dec 24th, 2005 1.22 am

after three glasses of absolut vodka plus red bull, now lying in bed

dizzy but sober...

the vodka we drank is not 'absolute' at all, mandarin flavor plus red bull,makes the drink taste like 'abolut orange juice', my colleague, who is 3 years youner than me, had a few, and almost turned to be 'absolut drunk', so on the way back, i kept thinking, 'absolute' is such an ironic word, if everything in this world could be absolute, there would be much fewer confusions then.  absolute right or wrong, absolute love or hate, absolute live or die, absolute happy or sad, absolute close or far away...

however, we are living in a blurred world, like the vodka, the vodka is called 'absolut' but combined wiith orange flavor, which blurs the definition of 'absolute'. but it's a vodka freaks my colleague's brain out, but with an orange taste...

so think of it, how many times you think sth. is absolutely the way it is, BUT it's always not absolutely at all...

well, my brain is confused by the vodka at all

i am not absolutely sober but dizzy...

ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY...

my favorite word in sex and the city

 

 

there are some times I desperatedly want to eat meat

and this is 17:24 in Dec. 19th, 2005....

I am in the office writing my report AND fancying about grilled lamb...

HUNGRY...